We’ve all seen and shared posts about anxiety, the ones that say oh hey, friends, family, random acquaintances; I have anxiety, and THIS is why I don’t like going places or talking on the phone, or ya know??, being around people. Why do I feel the need to share those articles? It’s a disclaimer of sorts.
Anxiety alone makes me a walking contradiction, on the outside everything appears just peachy, or at least that’s what I want people to think. Inside my brain is going crazy with all these random thoughts that are almost always useless to combat anxiety. Even typing this I laugh at myself because I know these things, I know that the extra thinking only makes my anxiety worse. I also know that I am fighting myself, every day. I literally have notes everywhere saying things like “GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY” or “STFU & handle it” or “STOP STOPPING YOURSELF”, and I add more as I need them because I need a constant reminder. I am, my own worst enemy.
Anxiety can bring along depression like they’ve been besties forever or they hardly know each other and are constantly arguing louder than all the other thoughts in my head. I think my anxiety is jealous of depression. Depression leaves, anxiety is always there. Depression gets to just stick around for a little while usually based on circumstance and after the shit, I’ve been through in the last few years, I’d be worried about me if I wasn’t.
Anxiety, depression, and MS are a unique combination. The shaky hands that come with anxiety are only added to the tremors that don’t let you hold a fork to eat proper *I see nothing wrong with using my hands and I’m not sorry. Bring me to a crowd of people and I have anxiety screaming, depression sulking in a corner, and MS wants to run, run away so fast. Any public outing alone requires headphones and I always feel like I’m in someone’s way because I’m slow sometimes because I need to be, but most times I’m lost in the music. I have tripped holding on to a cart in the store before there was nothing on the floor, it’s just how I walk. Confusion – every one of these things makes me confused, I forget where I left things or why I walked into a room. MS brings a different kind of pain than anxiety or depression, MS’s pain in deep, hot, tingly, and constant, really unexplainable, but just cause I’m standing doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Depression tired and MS tired don’t share the same rating scale, they are not the same. Anxiety thinks MS is a diva, I agree, she is. Anxiety, depression, and MS all are invisible, no one can see them.
People from the dark ages think and have vocalized that these things are all in my head or the heads of others who suffer from the same/similar maladies. I say the dark ages because those were the times, in my opinion, where these things couldn’t happen, they would sour the picture perfect life that has been painted. These things have all existed for a very long time. I can see why it would be difficult for one person to try and explain just one of these ailments, let alone three different ones even if they are a bit complimentary of each other. Sweeping these things under a rug, or creating a secret out of them does not make them go away. Hiding things may make a person feel shameful of who they are because of what they carry.
I will always advocate for MS and Mental Health I will scream from the mountains that I suffer from anxiety, depression, and MS because no one should ever feel like they are alone. Please try not to be that person that has no belief in things I’ve mentioned. If you haven’t gone through something yourself yet, you will, and if you tell yourself you haven’t because of preconceived notions that topics such as these are taboo then shame on you. For real. Shame on you. I hold no personal resentment, but we need to come together and stop tearing people apart for their differences visible or not.